Top 10 things to do when Zombies attack

Because you know it's going to happen. Every zombie movie starts out with unsuspecting suburbanites living their happy little lives, then they don't know what to do when the horde of undead spring to life. My friends and I watch a decent amount of zombie movies, and we always critique the repeated errors that victims of a zombie attack make. We have very detailed plans if/when the zombies do eventually attack. We watched Resident Evil: Apocolypse last night, a fairly bad movie but there were the same mistakes made repeatedly so on to the list of the top 10 things to do (or not do) when zombies attack!

10) First stop: ammo shop! Even if you're holed up in your house and feel secure, the zombies will eventually get in. Also you'll need food and other supplies at some point, so you will need to venture out and it's better to get weapons and ammo before the zombie infestation is widespread and before all the shops get looted or overrun. Note: the owner of the gun store may very well have the idea to stay holed up in his shop. He may shoot you.

9) Find a black guy. Every zombie movie has one, so you just have to find yours. This may be difficult in very suburban areas, but keep trying. The black man often has very cool nerves and is a great leader in this situation. He probably has military or police training and can fire a weapon with great accuracy. Unfortunately, he will eventually get bitten while trying to help someone else and will turn into a zombie. This always happens to the black guy so just try to put it off as long as possible.

8) Decision time: where do we shelter? You need to find a place with very strong walls and doors, preferably with easy escape routes. Malls work well in movies because there're tons of supplies (and ammo if you live in a state that voted for George Bush), and there are often large flat roofs for helicopters to spot you and underground passages. Churches have strong walls, heavy doors, a second story, food in the form of the body of Christ, and symbolic hope value. Military bases and police stations may seem like a good idea but those types tend to be assholes and power trippers in situations like this and will try to control you and/or shoot you. Better to keep it real in your own fortified shelter.

7) Stay tight, in all aspects. Wear tight clothes, nothing baggy and no accessories. Shave your head. Walk close together. Don't give zombies anything extra to grab onto and drag you into their gaping maws.

6) Always carry your weapon! Even if going to the bathroom (and remember, do that in pairs too..oh wait I didn't get to that rule yet, keep going). Have a hand weapon also, such as an axe or small chainsaw.

5)Get comedy relief. Find some dipshit that screws everything up and is a drain on the resources, but make sure he's funny. Or if not funny then at least misfortunate. You will need something to cope with the depression that will sink in after realizing everyone you love is dead and you're probably the next to go.

4) Don't fall in love. For some reason there is a tendency in these heightened emotional situations to fall for the beautiful girl who you stumble into and form a protectorate bond with. Love dulls the senses and keeps you from staying sharp. Not right now Romeo, try her again after this whole zombie problem's all cleared up.

3) He's not your brother anymore. Shoot him. Don't stay emotionally attached to someone who is bitten, because he/she will turn and will eat you.

2) Don't have an emotional breakdown. Your mom's dead, your boyfriend tried to eat your flesh, and you'll never get to see another episode of Laguna Beach. Cry me a river, bitch. Stop freaking out and running off by yourself, because we're going to have to chase after you to protect you and you'll probably end up living while a more valuable member of the team dies trying to save you.

1) NEVER SPLIT UP! This always seems like a good idea in every zombie (and maybe every horror) movie but what does it accomplish? Maybe you save 10 minutes searching the perimeters, but you almost always lose an important member of your team or waste resources like bullets. Never ever ever ever split up.