Snots special ordered for Conservatives

Today I was in a book store during my lunch break, and a massive sneeze came upon me. I've been sneezing all day and they've been very wet. I quickly blocked the sneeze with the back of my hand and a portion of my sleeve, leaving a very viscous glob of snot.

I immediately dropped my hand and pretended nothing happened. Shit, where can I find a napkin quick...wish I bought those tissues in a little packet at the dollar store...fuck fuck.

Then a fantastic idea dawned on me. I would not squander this snot, not here. I would find a book that really pisses me off, and wipe it in the book. It would be a symbolic victory for whatever ideal I was defending.

So what book? The easy answer was to pick a conservative's book. But I couldn't just do it because I disagreed with their ideas, that would be immature. I had to have some sort of personal reason to do it as well. Who was the most asshole conservative out there? Rush Limbaugh seemed a good candidate. I've read some of his stuff and it's ridiculous. But he stood against other conservatives when it came to the FCC trying to sensor the fuck shit damn out of everyone, and he defended free speech so I felt bad. The only viable option was Ann Coulter.

Ann Coulter is the megabitch of conservatives. She's not even one of those conservatives that has some sort of charm, she just comes across as an absolute cunt no matter what she says. Watch any video of her, and I guarantee the phrase 'what a cunt' will cross your mind several times. Everything she says is 100% partisan spin. One time in Maxim they had a picture of her with a voice bubble saying "Anyone who doesn't vote for George Bush is a pagan communist and should be put to death." Hah that is exactly what she sounds like. The only reason her crazy views get any attention is because she's reasonably attractive. Please click the link above for her web page, read any column of hers, and get irate. Oh, one time a group called "Al Pie-da" pied her at a speech she was giving, here's the video.

So I was looking around for a book by her, but the store wasn't big enough to have separate sections for things like political commentary or whatever so I had to do some searching, which isn't easy with a backhand loaded with snot. I kept my hand at about a 45 degree angle away from my body, trying to seem casual yet also trying to fight gravity enough that it wouldn't drip all over me. Of course, I succeeded at neither. But finally I found Coultercunt's newest book, "How to talk to a Liberal," opened up to the middle, and wiped my hand clean. I closed the book and put it back, feeling very very good about myself.

But then on the way home I started thinking about politics. Sadly, as I make more money, conservative values start creeping in. Although on social issues I'm sure I'll alwasy be liberal, fiscal issues always seem to favor conservatism (most young people are socially liberal and fiscally conservative, or so I hear). Taxes is the main issue. I pay $10 or so a month in taxes for my cell phone plan. My plan's only $40, so that's 25% of the bill. There are usage taxes, federal 911 tax, all sorts of stuff. It's crazy. And Philadelphia is ridiculous too. It has a 4.4% city wage tax, meaning 4.4% of your earnings are stripped from your paycheck if you workor live in Philly. I work in the burbs, but I have to pay it because I live in the city. It sucks. Plus it costs thousands of dollars more in closing costs to buy a house in Philly for no apparent reason. Sucks. Maybe Libertarians really are the answer?