When you know you've grown up

I walked out today and was greeted by a bunch of shitty snow. I don't have major gripes with it per se, it's mainly a big inconvenience when I need to leave for work or find parking when I get home. Then I thought of that old saying that everyone says yet everyone thinks that they themselves made it up, that you know you're grown up once snow stops being fun. Since I haven't written a blog in a few days, I decided I'd do a little list of other major turning points when you realized that you're not a kid (and hence, life starts to suck kinda) anymore:

1. Snow stops being fun - as stated before. You don't play in it anymore. You're not greeted with hot chocolate and tiny marshmallows cause you don't live with mom anymore. You don't get 2-hour delays or snow days at work. Somewhere along the line it became silly to wear snow pants.
2. Saturday mornings - you don't watch cartoons anymore and you certainly don't wake up at 7:30 a.m. on Saturdays.
3. You say "hang out" instead of "play," as in "Hi Mr. Bolden, can Johnny come hang out?"
4. You stop kissing your parents and saying 'I love you' every night before bed.
5. You no longer plan and host sleepovers with friends. Instead, you have the messier and less fun 'drunken friend passes out in a pool of his own vomit mixed with miller lite on your couch.'
6. You don't talk to friends on the phone as much. I'm referencing calling your friends when you have nothing particularly to talk to them about (i.e. you just saw them an hour ago at school, it's not like they're in a different state), you just call and a stream of consciousness commences.
7. You don't have to put your chair up on your desk at the end of the school day.
8. You start having to change for gym class. (can you believe we used to go to gym in jeans?)
9. It becomes unacceptable to wear sweatpants to school.
10. You stop hating cops, or even if you get mad at them, you like when they're around your neighborhood so it stays cleaner/safer.
11. You HATE taxes.

Am I missing anything?

Snots special ordered for Conservatives

Today I was in a book store during my lunch break, and a massive sneeze came upon me. I've been sneezing all day and they've been very wet. I quickly blocked the sneeze with the back of my hand and a portion of my sleeve, leaving a very viscous glob of snot.

I immediately dropped my hand and pretended nothing happened. Shit, where can I find a napkin quick...wish I bought those tissues in a little packet at the dollar store...fuck fuck.

Then a fantastic idea dawned on me. I would not squander this snot, not here. I would find a book that really pisses me off, and wipe it in the book. It would be a symbolic victory for whatever ideal I was defending.

So what book? The easy answer was to pick a conservative's book. But I couldn't just do it because I disagreed with their ideas, that would be immature. I had to have some sort of personal reason to do it as well. Who was the most asshole conservative out there? Rush Limbaugh seemed a good candidate. I've read some of his stuff and it's ridiculous. But he stood against other conservatives when it came to the FCC trying to sensor the fuck shit damn out of everyone, and he defended free speech so I felt bad. The only viable option was Ann Coulter.

Ann Coulter is the megabitch of conservatives. She's not even one of those conservatives that has some sort of charm, she just comes across as an absolute cunt no matter what she says. Watch any video of her, and I guarantee the phrase 'what a cunt' will cross your mind several times. Everything she says is 100% partisan spin. One time in Maxim they had a picture of her with a voice bubble saying "Anyone who doesn't vote for George Bush is a pagan communist and should be put to death." Hah that is exactly what she sounds like. The only reason her crazy views get any attention is because she's reasonably attractive. Please click the link above for her web page, read any column of hers, and get irate. Oh, one time a group called "Al Pie-da" pied her at a speech she was giving, here's the video.

So I was looking around for a book by her, but the store wasn't big enough to have separate sections for things like political commentary or whatever so I had to do some searching, which isn't easy with a backhand loaded with snot. I kept my hand at about a 45 degree angle away from my body, trying to seem casual yet also trying to fight gravity enough that it wouldn't drip all over me. Of course, I succeeded at neither. But finally I found Coultercunt's newest book, "How to talk to a Liberal," opened up to the middle, and wiped my hand clean. I closed the book and put it back, feeling very very good about myself.

But then on the way home I started thinking about politics. Sadly, as I make more money, conservative values start creeping in. Although on social issues I'm sure I'll alwasy be liberal, fiscal issues always seem to favor conservatism (most young people are socially liberal and fiscally conservative, or so I hear). Taxes is the main issue. I pay $10 or so a month in taxes for my cell phone plan. My plan's only $40, so that's 25% of the bill. There are usage taxes, federal 911 tax, all sorts of stuff. It's crazy. And Philadelphia is ridiculous too. It has a 4.4% city wage tax, meaning 4.4% of your earnings are stripped from your paycheck if you workor live in Philly. I work in the burbs, but I have to pay it because I live in the city. It sucks. Plus it costs thousands of dollars more in closing costs to buy a house in Philly for no apparent reason. Sucks. Maybe Libertarians really are the answer?

Sound like someone's got a case of the Mondays

My boss is on vacation today and Monday. This means several things:

1. I haven't shaven yesterday or today, and I won't shave for Monday.
2. I have accomplished and will continue to accomplish nothing work related.
3. Lunch hour has become the lunch two hours.
4. I get easily distracted by the internet, even moreso than on the average day.
5. The other people give me dirty looks when they see me pretty much laying down in my chair with one outstretched arm clutching the mouse.

I am getting closer to becoming Peter Gibbons. Once you've tasted this, you can't go back.

how to go on a random adventure

i just found this site and thought of a good idea on how to have a random adventure.

1) go to this site and click on the map
2) type in five random numbers. do each slowly so you can see how your adventure destination narrows down in case the zip doesn't exist
3) go to wherever it indicates and find an adventure!

so simple. let me know when you wanna leave

Top 10 things to do when Zombies attack

Because you know it's going to happen. Every zombie movie starts out with unsuspecting suburbanites living their happy little lives, then they don't know what to do when the horde of undead spring to life. My friends and I watch a decent amount of zombie movies, and we always critique the repeated errors that victims of a zombie attack make. We have very detailed plans if/when the zombies do eventually attack. We watched Resident Evil: Apocolypse last night, a fairly bad movie but there were the same mistakes made repeatedly so on to the list of the top 10 things to do (or not do) when zombies attack!

10) First stop: ammo shop! Even if you're holed up in your house and feel secure, the zombies will eventually get in. Also you'll need food and other supplies at some point, so you will need to venture out and it's better to get weapons and ammo before the zombie infestation is widespread and before all the shops get looted or overrun. Note: the owner of the gun store may very well have the idea to stay holed up in his shop. He may shoot you.

9) Find a black guy. Every zombie movie has one, so you just have to find yours. This may be difficult in very suburban areas, but keep trying. The black man often has very cool nerves and is a great leader in this situation. He probably has military or police training and can fire a weapon with great accuracy. Unfortunately, he will eventually get bitten while trying to help someone else and will turn into a zombie. This always happens to the black guy so just try to put it off as long as possible.

8) Decision time: where do we shelter? You need to find a place with very strong walls and doors, preferably with easy escape routes. Malls work well in movies because there're tons of supplies (and ammo if you live in a state that voted for George Bush), and there are often large flat roofs for helicopters to spot you and underground passages. Churches have strong walls, heavy doors, a second story, food in the form of the body of Christ, and symbolic hope value. Military bases and police stations may seem like a good idea but those types tend to be assholes and power trippers in situations like this and will try to control you and/or shoot you. Better to keep it real in your own fortified shelter.

7) Stay tight, in all aspects. Wear tight clothes, nothing baggy and no accessories. Shave your head. Walk close together. Don't give zombies anything extra to grab onto and drag you into their gaping maws.

6) Always carry your weapon! Even if going to the bathroom (and remember, do that in pairs too..oh wait I didn't get to that rule yet, keep going). Have a hand weapon also, such as an axe or small chainsaw.

5)Get comedy relief. Find some dipshit that screws everything up and is a drain on the resources, but make sure he's funny. Or if not funny then at least misfortunate. You will need something to cope with the depression that will sink in after realizing everyone you love is dead and you're probably the next to go.

4) Don't fall in love. For some reason there is a tendency in these heightened emotional situations to fall for the beautiful girl who you stumble into and form a protectorate bond with. Love dulls the senses and keeps you from staying sharp. Not right now Romeo, try her again after this whole zombie problem's all cleared up.

3) He's not your brother anymore. Shoot him. Don't stay emotionally attached to someone who is bitten, because he/she will turn and will eat you.

2) Don't have an emotional breakdown. Your mom's dead, your boyfriend tried to eat your flesh, and you'll never get to see another episode of Laguna Beach. Cry me a river, bitch. Stop freaking out and running off by yourself, because we're going to have to chase after you to protect you and you'll probably end up living while a more valuable member of the team dies trying to save you.

1) NEVER SPLIT UP! This always seems like a good idea in every zombie (and maybe every horror) movie but what does it accomplish? Maybe you save 10 minutes searching the perimeters, but you almost always lose an important member of your team or waste resources like bullets. Never ever ever ever split up.

Fairweather football fan bows down before the establishment

We had a "tailgate" at work today to celebrate the Eagle's march to the super bowl this weekend, meaning tons of free pizza and soda. Everyone has authentic Eagles jersies today, or at least t-shirts. I'm wearing one of my favorite green sweaters with white stripes, figuring the colors were Eagles enough for me to pass.

They weren't. I got numerous complaints of "oh, that's not Eagles-green." The Eagles have their own color. Before the "tailgate" in the company kitchen, I was the first one there because well I was hungry, and as I was leaving the CEO/deity of my company, Mr. Hampshire of Hampshire Homebuilders was walking in. An older man, everyone talks about him as if he is a god and they refer to him by his last name prefaced with a mister. I've never thought anything much of his authority, maybe cause I've only worked here a few months, or maybe because his family has owned the company for 75 years or whatever and he's not self made.

Regardless, he made a comment on the pizza I was holding as he passed me, something along the lines of 'Oh that looks good.' And then I stumbled over a few things I was trying to say, but managed to spew out something like 'yes!' I was mad that this guy who's really no different than anyone else let his authority fuck me up, similar to how the CFO (different guy) from two blogs ago caused me to feel awkward from eye contact, but at least it was mutual that time.

Oh, I just reached for a cup that I thought had my sprite in it, took a big sip and found out it was water. My sprite's in the other cup. It's such a weird sensation to taste something you're not expecting...oh wait I'm starting to get boring, I'll go now.

Valentine's Day donkey punch

I have a gf on Valentine's day for the first time in like four years....FUCK

What to get? Let's recap. We were going out for about two weeks and then Christmas happened. I got her a golden retriever tree ornament cause her family raises them, and Napoleon Dynamite DVD as the meat of the present, plus a nice hand written card. Not too bad.

BUT I also put up $480 for ballroom dance classes. Yes it's gay, fuck you. And I'll probably have to put up at least $100 more for those. Now I might get compensated if her dad sends me some business etc., but who knows.

Anyway, what do I get her for Valentines day? I'm assuming I should go for something cute and useless. I'm not sure if a picture in an frame will make the cut. Here are some things I'm thinking, along with the possible problem:

1) Massage oil - She may expect me to actually use them on a regular basis.
2) Name a star after her - This is pretty gay. Maybe I'll do this next year.
3) Stuffed animal type thing - Also gay. Not her style.
4) Jewelery - It's a little early for that (less than 2 months) doncha think?
5) Dance Classes - I already paid for them, so now they're expected. Should held out.
6) Draw a portrait of her with ugly exaggerated features a la Napoleon Dynamite - I think I'm DEFINITELY going to do this, and frame it. It would be the funniest thing ever.

But I need more ideas. If you're a random viewer that clicked on my blog because I wrote 'donkey punch' in the subject (yeah I put that there just to get attention), send me an e-mail and help me out, or leave it in a comment or something.

By the way, every search I did on technorati for Valentine's day gifts came up as some advertisement...they should do something about people who make blogs that are just long advertisements, it drowns out the good stuff.